she who dares trek the jungle barefoot.
September 22, 2009 at 11:04 am · Filed under Uncategorized
i miss that girl who dared walk barefoot in the jungle.
She who bared her naked soul
and opened her heart to those
whom she thought shared her dreams.
But she was mistaken
because she had met nomads whose heart
belonged beyond her.
I miss the girl who spoke in rhymes.
She, who sang in delight
and danced without shame,
alone under the moonlight;
who had thought that there were others
who would join her in every step, jiggle and jive.
They too only walked further
and had other destinations to find.
Where is she now?
This girl who dared
This girl who bared
This girl who sang
Poems and dreams…?
She speaks to you now
She hopes for you to continue dreaming
She wishes that you bravely dare
To be unafraid to bare
Because despite the jagged earth in the forest
And the dying moonlight
She still lives to one day realize
That the one she hopes to find
is not far behind..
July 21, 2009 at 11:01 am · Filed under Uncategorized
Alas!
the box of pandora
has been opened.
Now I am in misery!
I swing from hope to haplessness
because of my own foolishness.
I should have bitten my tongue
and let it bleed in silence.
I should have kept
my hands to my sides
or better yet
tied them to a post
instead of letting them wander
where they were unwanted.
I should have looked away
but now
I am forever blinded
by what I know I shall never realize.
I am a wreck;
a piece of wood drifting on flooded water
left to wander after being ravaged by a storm.
I am alone.
I wallow in self pity,
my pride as tiny as a dot,
the wind could erase it to irrelevance.
I am invincible and want to remain that way.
I shall make myself scarce,
a shadow in the dark.
I am lonely.
I am nothing to you.
Neither the memory of my laughter and banter matter
nor my smile would remind you
of the past I had wished was the future
I cease to exist.
I am gone.
June 28, 2009 at 5:40 am · Filed under Uncategorized
Takaw tingin
Di makalapit
Napipi na sa
Pagibig
Nakakadena
Sa selda ng
Pagsinta
Napako na sa
Pagkakatindig
Di mapakali
Naiihi na
sa sabik
Pero paralisado
Pa din
Ang lintik
Hihintayin atang
Magunaw ang
Mundo
Bago isiwalat
Ang saloobing
Kumukulo
Sayang kung
Pipigilan
Baka sa huli
Ito’y mauwi
Sa utot na lamang!
June 28, 2009 at 5:38 am · Filed under Uncategorized
Ang tunog ng hangin ay malumanay parang bumubulong sa aking tenga, parang nakahehele kaya ako ay inaantok na, payapa ang dulot nito sa aking isip at katawan nakakakalma ng kalooban. Hindi ako nangangamaba o natatakot, parang bughaw na langit ang aking nakikita dahil maaliwalas di lang ang pakiramdam at pati na ang nakikita. Gusto ko tuloy kumanta ng malakas na dinig ng lahat, hahawaan ko sila ng aking ligaya at kapayapaang nadarama. Maaaring mahawaan ko sila ng aking masayang pakiramdam kaya susunod din sila sa aking pagkanta. Ang ganda ng paligid parang umuusbong na mga bulaklak at dagat na may payapang alon. Lumalangoy ako sa galak at kaisa ko ang kalikasan. Bawat puno’y nakatindig, mga dahon nila’y sumasayaw, mga hayop masasaya, parang isang malawak at makulay na paraiso.
May 23, 2009 at 10:08 am · Filed under Uncategorized
I liked this summer, because it didn’t just pass me by. I lived it by the day; saw and experienced each one and wished it never ended. Everyday was eventful, memorable and laughable, even tragic at some point. I was at different places and wore happy faces most of the time. Met people, loved people, missed people and always had the people that mattered to me here, even now.
I will miss this summer because I won’t get to see the sun as I would always want to. The smile, the smirk, the rain that comes with it on crazy periods, how it stands tall and proud over me, shining on me giving me that golden gleaming color, it makes me smile back at it. Once it starts raining, the heat may stay and the sun will show up, but it will only take a peek only at times it will be allowed to.
I will miss this summer. I enjoyed the heat, sometimes it made me crazy. How unpredictable it was – greeting me, ignoring me, smiling at me or sometimes keeping away from me – a puzzling act, yet is still there. Always is. Dark clouds never succeed in hiding it. I know it’s just behind it and I am always proven right, because despite the distance it just remains there and the brief absence makes me miss it a lot.
I will miss you summer. How you made me wish I was young as you; I wish I could kiss you and brave being burnt by you. But the cold wind gusts at a distance and storms are raging to come one after the other. By then you would be gone.
Promise me, you will still shine on me. And after every tear your heat will dry it up as you embrace me.
I may wait for a year to see you again, but I know you are just there and that in time we will be together.
March 30, 2009 at 7:07 am · Filed under Uncategorized
I hate waiting.
I’ve written about this before but I guess, I still hate it and for me it’s a challenge being patient.
When I brought carla to the hospital together with my father and brother-in-law last week, after hearing from them that she could undergo ceasarian section I had no choice but to wait like them and suffer the anxiety of what my sister would experience.
I’m a restless soul. I either sit down or stand up, talk to somebody, read posters or announcements on the wall until I’ve almost memorized them, watch people as they walk past me, eat, listen to the radio if there was one, read a book or newspaper or sleep if there was such a space to do it. If I had a laptop I would bring my work so that I don’t waste time.
I never did like waiting.
That’s also the reason why I waste so many opportunities – I was often told, haste makes waste. So I blow my chances because I failed to wait. But at the same time, I learned from my mom the wisdom of doing two or three or more things that I can at the same time. That way I maximize the time and finish what needs to be done.
I don’t trust myself to be patient.
I might end up dillydallying or miss out altogether on an important task. That’s why I would rather that I keep myself occupied and doing things in order for me to finish my work and not be bogged down with backlogs.
Come to think of it, waiting is something that we always end up doing. It’s the way things happen. If I were to relate better to people, I should learn how to wait for them – to learn, to adopt, to be oriented, to mature, to know me, etc. it’s not a quick fix like applying liquid paper on typo errors or putting things together with mighty bond. At the same time, we wait for our true happiness to come and if we do that then maybe we can achieve and experience it in our lifetime. Otherwise, we die not knowing what it was that was going to make us happy or if we did realize that there was something or someone out there who made us happy; we were just too in a hurry to recognize it or him or her.
On one hand as well, when we learn how to wait, we grow as mature individuals, because we allow others to do their thing without us imposing ourselves on them; we slow down and appreciate the basic things in life and the people around us because we were not in a hurry for the day to pass by. We are able to smile and share to others our heart and wisdom and not just gloss over people as if they were incidentally there while we did our work.
So, even if I don’t like waiting, I will use the time to maximize what other stuff needs to be done and make myself available to meet other people and get to know them better. I will just have to wait.
But between now and such time, I have to wait to gain that patience and wisdom.
March 5, 2009 at 5:57 am · Filed under Uncategorized
I’m really distracted. Although I’m increasing my pace as I go along. (still transcribing as I post this..hohummm..) I was a little irked a while ago when somebody came and was beginning to become bothersome, but then, I took the laptop and earphones and moved to another place where obviously people will know that I do not want to be disturbed.
Anyway, it’s beginning to become humid, but the fan beside me is giving me a cool breeze as if it was coming outside from the mango trees swaying above the next door apartment’s roof.
Looking at the mango tree, I remember summer at sison, pangasinan and I felt good again. We would have lunch at the lawn of the Miranda’s summer house then later play with water on the hose and swim on the kiddie pool. I could still smell the fresh dew and trees in the morning every time I wake up. It was cooler there, but in the middle of the day the summer heat engulfed us so we would go to the village guest house and take a dip at the swimming pool!
I miss that, but now I look forward to summer and maybe a day in the beach or picnic under the mango tree.
December 22, 2008 at 5:55 am · Filed under Uncategorized
Minsan, naghanap ako ng dahilan para makabisita sa isang lugar at pabiro akong sinabihan ng kaibigan ko na gawin kong rason ang isang research kung papaano magcelebrate ng pasko ang mga biktima at mga pamilya nila, para opisyal akong makapunta sa kanila. Di ko inakalang ang pabirong suggestion na ito ay sasagutin sa isang okasyon na madadaluhan ko ngayong araw na ito.
Paano nga ba? Papaano magdiwang ng pasko ang mga inulila na?
Di ko na kinailangan gumawa ng questionnaire para dito o maghanap ng mga biktima at mga kaanak nila para itipon at gawing focus group para sa mga katanungan ko. Kanina lang galing ako sa isang pagtitipon, Christmas party ng mga nawalan; mga kapamilya ng mga biktima ng sapilitang pagkawala.
Simple lang ang okasyon, simple lang ang pagkain, kahit konti lang nabusog ako. Mas nabusog ako sa halakhak ng bawat isa, sa mga games, sa mga sigawan, sa mga tapunan ng biro at tuksuhan. Hindi pilit ang mga ngiti at tawanan, sa palitan ng mga aguinaldo at premyo. Masaya ang okasyong ito!
Nagkita kita muli ang mga magkakaibigan, namiss ang isa’t isa. May nanggaling pa sa malayong lugar, merong may iniindang personal na suliranin pero tiniyak pa ring makasalo sa kasiyahan.
Saksi ako at kasalo sa kung papaano magdiwang ang mga mag-anak na ito; silang nawalan ng mga asawa, anak, kapatid, ama at ina. Silang sa mga unang panahon ng pagka-ulila ay naghanap, nalungkot, lumuha, nagalit at ngayon ay patuloy na kumikilos, naghahanap.
Hindi nila hinayaan balutin sila ng lungkot, takot o kaya galit. Sa mga panahong ito, kasama ang iba pang pamilya, kumuha sila ng lakas sa bawat isa at sabay na hinarap ang mga hamon ng kanilang sitwasyon. Masaya silang magkakasama sa dapat naman ay masaya ring okasyong ito ng pasko.
Ang pagkawala ay nandyan pa rin, ngunit ang nakamit naman ay ang mga karamay sa hirap, mga pamilyang ngayon ay pamilya na rin nila, ng bawat isa. Di na sila hiwa-hiwalay kundi kumikilos na bilang isa.
Ang kanilang pagdiwang ng pasko ay tulad din ng iba, may kainan, paligsahan, palitan ng regalo, at maikling programa. Pero kaiba sa ibang mga party, ang okasyong ito ay pagdiriwang din ng pagkakaisa para sa hustisya at para sa patuloy na paghahanap at pakikibaka.
Ito na marahil ang pinakamasayang Christmas party na nadaluhan ko ngayong taon. At sa susunod pa, balak kong maging bahagi ng ganitong mga okasyon. Hindi man ako biktima o kapamilya ng biktima, ako ay kaibigan nila at kaisa nila ako sa kanilang gawain at pakikibaka; sa luha man at sa saya.
June 27, 2008 at 5:21 am · Filed under Uncategorized
I arrived to the office
today, anxious. I guess that was because I was only informed about presenting
before a group of visitors from the US at 10 pm last night and I was barely prepared. When finally it did not push through I
thought my anxiety was going to go away. For a few minutes it did go away, but
when I joined 12 relatives of victims sing before the same group this
afternoon, and heard them sing with conviction as well as almost breakdown and
become teary eyed in the middle of their presentation, I felt goose bumps all
over me and anxiety grow inside my stomach.
When I was asked to translate
some of the stories for the foreign guests, I could not help but become
emotional as well as I followed each word and relive with these relatives the
pain of remembering how their loved ones where abducted or killed.
My head ached, my stomach
turned. I didn’t know where to go, or to sit or stand. It’s as if it was June
2006 again and I was meeting the relatives for the first time and did not know
how to console them.
Yes, June 2006 is an
unforgettable month and date. It’s the month that marks the abductions of
Sherlyn Cadapan, Karen Empeno, Leopoldo Ancheta, Rogelio and Gabriel Calubad,
Prudencio Calubid, Celina Palma, Gloria Soco and Ariel Beloy.
It was as if a typhoon of
signal #10 overcame us. The incidents came one after the other. The office was
often filled with people, crying came at different times and from different
individuals.
One sat at one end of the
room staring into space. One sobbed inconsolably. The phones kept ringing, the
media kept coming, we kept planning and trooping from one camp to another. We
were desperate, the families were desperate. They needed all kinds of help. We
did not stop.
We have continued doing the
same things we did since then. We would find leads then dead-ends. But we would
keep our hopes up. In the end we became a family. And the loss of one, became
the loss of another. The search for one, was a search for all those missing.
Maybe I don’t know how they
feel, because I still haven’t lost a loved one, but I guess being with them is
almost the same as being the relative or wife or daughter or sister of a
victim. Maybe my tears are endless because even if the years have passed, the
stories stay the same and the pain never goes away, especially if you have a
remorseless government who insists that “ …there is consistent effort to POLITICIZE Human Rights in the Philippines” and a ruthless military who tries to make fools of
you, by giving you the runaround and continues to wreak havoc over civilians. Putangina
nila!
I still don’t feel good
tonight. I don’t know if I will have a dreamless sleep tonight, or when I will
stop crying.
I don’t really care for the
headache nor the stomach cramps, I just care, that we have families and victims
to look after and that if there are no one else to do this, who will? They only
have us. They trust only us. And in the end all we have is one another. We must
never stop.
January 4, 2007 at 11:11 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
Who said it was going to be easy?
It started as an adventure, wanting a place
to belong to, finding a place to discover independence, finding ones worth as a
person and finding true love.
No, it’s not about looking for Mr. Right,
it’s about my work.
I remembered Spur Dos in Cateel, Davao
Oriental my first fact-finding mission. It opened my eyes to so many truths. I
remembered waking up with a small piece of paper and a pen jotting down notes
for that day’s statement…then came more work, more ffms, pickets, discussions,
etc. until I couldn’t find the time to do anything else including my real
paying-job. After a couple of more years I decided to marry this job and it has
been a love-hate relationship. Not your perfect love-affair, as other couples dream
to have, but like the rest of them, something on which we can all survive with.
I do love this job, I enjoy it. No, of
course I don’t enjoy counting those killed, missing, tortured, detained, etc.
nor do I enjoy reading my cellphone, evertime it lets out an alert tune even in
the dead of the night or at the crack of dawn only for me to read that someone
was shot or that we need to run to the police station because someone got
arrested. I do dread them, I wish I didn’t have any of those messages, but the
fact is, the situation is getting worse by the minute (5 killed in less than 24
hours; 2 killed within 10 hours, etc.) and our work necessitates us to respond.
That’s the essence: respond. Respond to seek justice, who cry out in
helplessness and then later see hope and move on, much stronger than before.
It’s not easy choosing this job. It’s not
easy doing this job, but it’s not just a job. It’s my commitment.
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